I've been trying to keep myself busy with mindless things. I suppose this limbo I am in with my so called love life is good for some thing. At least I will get some things done that I've been meaning to do. Still need to get started with the fan fic I was asked to write. I doubt that the guy I am doing the trade with has done anything actually. Because I said that I am sure he has like 6 pictures drawn while I barely have half a page written. At least I know what I will be doing today.

I need to sleep. I got a nice day off on Wednesday. I am so excited about that. I wonder what I will do with it. It should be fun.

Because of how much free time I will have I am wondering if I should get a new "How to Draw Manga" book or not. For the new year I am going to make a resolution to learn how to draw. Maybe this time it will work.

I found out what he was lying to me about. It seems that mostly everything he ever told me was a lie. He is a drug user and abuser that lied to me. At least I didn't loaned him any money. However now I am wondering if he is lying to me now, and how much is truth.

Other then that, my day wasn't too bad. I helped my Mom celebrate her birthday as well as my niece. It was nice.

I'm sorry about the other night. My grandpa in the hospital had me in shock and shortly after seeing him from there you broke up with me. My mind was so in shock that day, but the pain finally just hit me the other night, about everything that's going wrong and bad in my life. I'm sorry about the way I acted and so sorry that you waited so long for me but lost my drive to be a teacher. I am not trying to get back together, but I wanted to tell you a lot of things if you have the time to talk. If we never speak to each other ever again, I don't want to die knowing I never confessed to you the lies I told you throughout the years we knew each other. They're such horrible lies that I'm not sure if you will ever forgive me or even talk to me ever again if I tell you, but you have the right to know what an awful person I am and you were right to break it off between us. But I haven't been able to sleep at all the past couple of days. It felt all too much like some dream, it really did, and couldn't sleep, my body had the feeling of trying to wake up from dreaming. But the other morning, as I was zombied out just playing a game and up for almost two days and not trying to think about what happened, I realized this isn't a dream, and it's all real. It's something I can't wake up from, and I broke down in front of my tv. I couldn't play anymore. I realized I lost the only friend I could really talk to, and the thought of knowing I don't have you to look forward to greeting me at night really hurts. It was one of the few things I ever looked forward to in my life, but it isn't there anymore. I love you so much, and you mean so much to me. I hate crying. The only time I felt this kind of pain emotionally was when my dog, Bane, died. He was my best friend and it hurt so much that he died, but even still, you were there to comfort me, when no one else did. This is all true. I even remember you saying to me, "we can get a dog together when we're together." and honestly that was one of the bigest things I was looking forward to in my future. I thought you would be the one I married and spent the rest of my life with. But I messed up so much, and had you waiting for so long, that I lost something I love because I was lazy and selfish, and too busy drowned in my depression and playstation games I didn't realize how long it has been we have been together, and I'm still not a teacher, and it's all my fault. I am just a big disappointment. It seemed to me I always disappointed you more, even though I tried so very hard to make you happy; drawing you pictures, playing werewolf then wow with you because I wanted to follow you and make you happy, showing you how nice I can draw and how well I can write. I don't even have a best friend, and now I have no one to show my drawings to anymore. Not like how I drew them for you and showed them to you. I'm so disappointing to you, and I'm so sorry.

I'm not going to go kill myself, I'm too Catholic to even do that, but I think you will want me to after I tell confess to you. I really just wanted to talk to you one more time, and say some things to you if you wouldn't mind going on aim again sometime when you aren't busy. I wasn't surprised that you broke up with me, with me not having a job, no career or direction, but also, it was the last thing I ever expected from you. What we've said to each other all these years, I really did think you and I would be together forever. But I just want to say some things before you hate me forever. Please go online sometime. I understand if you don't and never hear from you again. Again, I'm so sorry.
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When I tried to talk to him he said he was too tired to talk. I wonder what he wanted to tell me.

Tired and wanting to go to sleep. Still no responce from my bombshell email. I guess I am a coward, like I wrote. I should have been adult enough to tell them face to face. Yet, I am not that strong emotonally. I know I ruined any chance I had with anyone. Funny this is, I don't really care anymore. I am free in a way and that makes me happy.

I have no response my bombshell from yesterday. I figure he hates me now, I've told him the truth. I don't blame him at all.

I finally sent the emails. I couldn't force myself to write the before and it took this many hours to write them. I cannot even think of looking at my email right now. Even now I am thinking there will be hate email inside. I deserve it though. I created all this and it is my fault. Excuse me while I cry...

Going to write the hardest email I've ever had to write. I thought last night was going to be hard, today will be worse.

I am a creep but it has to be done. Why doesn't that make things easier?

In my mind I decided to start over yesterday. I am not fully aware what that means though. I'm not sure if I will follow through this. I am not sure if I will keep this journal or anything.

Feeling depressed. Not talking about it yet. I need to think things though...

I guess sometimes I am a secretive bitch. I'm going to become a monk and say screw it to everyone.

I wish I could tell you the truth. I really wish I could tell you the truth. I worry what I would lose if you knew

I got talked into writing Fan Fic for a guy that has a thing for Sora (from Kingdom Hearts) and Cloud (from Final Fantasy 7). I am interested on how I will tie this two together. He wants them in a band with Squall and Riku. I'm doing it for a talent trade. I will write his fantasy Fan Fic and he will draw Bad November. He better keep his side of the deal...

Today wasn't too bad. I just wish I had more days off and less days of work.

Even though I am sure that today will be busy I want to believe I won't want to kill by the end of it.

At work they decorated my desk to wish me happy birthday. It was nice in a way. Today wasn't as busy as I was thinking. Though I wanted to stay home and spend time with my family more. It was nice to see what my co-workers did for me. It made me feel nice. At least I know I got my holiday pay now. No one can take that away from me.

Today should be a happy day. Why I have work in a few hours, work is expected to be busy and I feel like a loser. Worst birthday ever. True I haven't even started my day but it already sucks.

So my birthday is tomorrow. I wish I had it off because then I could hang out with my family. Because of the nature of my work I cannot take off for work tomorrow. I will lose my holiday pay if I don't go to work tomorrow. That in itself is frustrating. Sometimes I hate my job and sometimes I love it. I am more vocal in my criticism though.